Enraged Roosters and Amorous Swine
by Pagan Twylight
Summary: To Summarize, hmm, well you see, Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot.


Charater focused: Martouf

Genre: Humor

**Has been nominated for a Stargate Fan Award. I hope you enjoy it, too.**

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April 19,2006

_**Enraged Roosters and Amorous Swine**_

_**By Pagan Twylight**_

_**Everything went wrong**_

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Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot. Totally, absolutely, completely screwed up. A Tau'ri expression, screwed up. It should be screwed down, of course, but like many other things on the Tau'ri world, it, also, was screwed up. Like his entire life. Even Lantash was not speaking to him. That could be because he laughed himself into unconsciousness. At least he had healed his foot first. 

"Martouf, are you sure you don't want to come in and have some pie and ice cream? It's really good."

Martouf sighed, as he stared out across the open field, "No, Samantha, I should probably stay here, so that I do not destroy anything, or incite any other creature to anger or lust. There does not appear to be anything here that I can harm, or turn into a crazed beast, and I will be sure to stay away from anything breakable or alive."

Sam's lips twitched, but she kept her countenance straight. "Now, you know, it was not your fault. None of it. Janet's Uncle Ed told you the same thing. That hog really likes you, and there was nothing you could do about it. Aunt May said that Uncle Ed should never have let you go in there with them in the first place, but like he said, it never occurred to him that the pigs in the pig sty would knock you down. It was really a good thing that Besse fell in love with you because she made the others kind of stay away, until you could get out of the hog wallow and out of the pen. Aunt May only had to wash your clothes twice to get the smell out of them. They're fine, now."

Martouf sighed again, "You are not going to convince me that I am not a danger to you and Janet. While it was a great kindness of you to bring me here, so that I could experience the farming aspect of rural life on the Tau'ri world, as I requested, it is obvious that I am not attuned to it. Anyone who can become entangled in a fence that small, almost deliver both himself and his symbiote to death by electrocution, before anyone can turn it off, and in addition completely destroy the fence, deserves what he gets."

"Lantash is still not speaking to me. I am not sure if it is because he hates being electrocuted, or because he laughed himself into unconsciousness again, about the bull chasing us across the field and into the fence. He seems to be finding a great deal of amusement in the things I have had happening to me."

"Martouf, a very large bull was chasing you across that field, and Uncle Ed apologized for not telling you he was in the pasture. He never even thought about it when he sent you to put that sack of corn in the shed, and he should have told you which shed. We're so used to knowing where things go, you know. It wasn't your fault about the fence either. No one thought to explain about electric fences to you, that's all. And it was a _good_ thing that Besse got out and went looking for you again, because it startled the bull, and he stopped chasing you to see what she was."

"Uncle Ed was impressed with the fact that you didn't drop the bag of corn, even when you fell over the first fence and were being electrocuted by the second one." She tried teasing him gently, but he was much to upset to respond, so she tried another direction.

"And as for the rooster, well, any of us can have that happen any day that old bird is loose. He got out earlier during the, ah, chicken incident. Anyway, all you did was hang yourself on the clothesline and almost kill the rooster. If the clothesline hadn't tried to strangle you, I don't think the rooster, or the goat, would have caught you at all. You fought back better than anyone else I've ever seen. Really. I had peck marks all over when it happened to me."

Martouf blinked at her. "Samantha, are you saying that you have had the rooster attack you?"

"Sure. Happens to everyone that's new. I've never been hung up in the electric fence or the clothesline, but that's only because Janet warned me. I should have said something to you about it, but it's been a while since I've been here, and I forgot. I'm really sorry."

Martouf kicked the toe of his cowboy boot against the post on the porch. "You did not fall off your horse. Three times."

"I fell off the first time I rode though. You just didn't get the girth tight enough. You'll do better tomorrow."

"You did not fall into a pig wallow."

"No. No, I have to admit that pleasure of country living still awaits me. But it's possibly because I've never offered to slop the hogs. You did offer."

Martouf nodded, dejectedly.

"You did not have a goat try to eat your shirt, while you battled an enraged rooster. You may have fought the rooster, but you were not being attacked from two directions at once. He--He tried to eat the seat of my blue jeans, too. After I finally flung the rooster away and was getting my hat, he attacked me in the—the butt, and knocked me back down. You did not have that happen."

"No, not while I was recovering from the rooster, but I have been on the wrong end of a goat and been knocked down. Martouf, you are not the only person these things have happened to. You are just the only one they all happened to today."

"Samantha," Martouf explained, resignedly, "A chicken broke my foot. Can you not understand what that means? My entire life is in shambles. When a chicken can break your foot, your usefulness, your life is over. I passed out, Samantha, and when I woke up, there was a chicken sitting on my foot where she broke it. I have never passed out from a broken bone before. At least, not one so minute. Not only that but, Samantha, _everything_ went wrong after the chicken broke my foot."

He stared across the field once more. "That is not all." He paused. "The llama spit on me."

Samantha could stand no more of the forlorn note in his voice. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she leaned into him and kissed him gently on the dimple in his chin, "Oh, my love, I am so sorry. I will--I will spit on the llama for you tomorrow, first thing. I promise. But, I think there is something else that you are under a misconception about."

"What is that, Samantha?" It was nice holding her close. She was soft, feminine, and smelled sweet. Unlike llama spit, which was rather vile.

"Martouf, the chicken didn't break your foot. The heavy wooden crates she knocked off the shelf trying to get to you broke your foot. One of them knocked you out too; you didn't pass out from the broken bone."

Martouf stared at her. "Do you mean that I spent the entire day being accident prone, when I did not have to be? I could have avoided all of this if Lantash had simply told me the truth? That's why he has been so quiet all day except for his bouts of hysterical laughter." Martouf looked angry, but then another thought entered his mind, and he groaned as the anger left him.

"It was still the chicken, Samantha. No matter how you look at it. Whether the chicken did it with her own body, or not, she still caused it to happen. The chicken broke my foot. I am doomed."

Sam laughed softly. Hugging him to her, she said warmly, "Well, Mr. Doomed, for now, I suggest that you push that sad face away, and come inside for pie and ice cream. Malek is still healing Devlin's shoulder from where he fell out of the peach tree, and his sprained ankle from when he fell off the tractor into the pond. Dev's had several accidents, too, you know. He fell out of the hay mow when he caught his fingers in the twine on a bale of hay and followed it down. He had a pretty good sized goose egg on his forehead from that. He stabbed himself in the foot with a pitchfork and sat on a nail that was sticking up in an old board, too. Luckily, Uncle Ed wasn't around for the pitchfork, or the nail, so Malek could take care of them instead of having to get a tetanus shot."

"To make matters worse, he fell off the hay wagon when they were picking up bales of hay in the field. I guess they stopped for a minute, and he was standing up on the top layer of bales on the back of the wagon, and when they started going again, it kind of jerked. They said he just sort of flew over backwards. He only cracked a rib, knocked the breath out of himself, and wrenched his back that time. Malek was able to block the pain enough that Dev could go on working, while he healed him, and no one even knew he had a cracked rib. He, ah, hasn't had the most accident free day either."

Sam smiled a little more. "You know, if you are Mr. Doomed, then he is Mr. Death is Inevitable. He's had his share of accidents today, too. All he's moaned to Janet about all evening are his "_brushes with death" or that_ "_my death is inevitable_". Maybe you can cheer each other up by trying to out accident each other. He's refused to touch anything that's sharp. If he agrees to pick something up, it has to be smaller than a bale of hay with no visible way to attach itself to him."

"Samantha, for how many more days are we here?"

"Six more, my love."

He nodded his head. "You know that Malek will never allow me to live down the accidents I had today. All of them included animal life."

"Then you should point out that all of his injuries were self-inflicted. At least yours were caused by outside influences. So, which one of you is more accident prone?"

For the first time in several hours, Martouf smiled. "_She is correct, dear one. We will have one up on Malek this time."_

"_Lantash?"_

"_You did not really think I would abandon you?" _

"_Where have you been?" _

"_Forcing myself to stay as quiet as possible._ _It would be too easy to give myself away. I've remained dormant, for much of the time, although I gave you extra speed during the bull escape and tried to help during the electrocution. I have to confess to laughing, when I go through your memories." _

"_That is why your laughing is at odd times."_

"_Yes. Your bruises and aches are healed now. Try to look on these things with amusement, Martouf. For they will be funny later, I assure you. And it is bringing you closer to Samantha." _

"_Yes, it is. Well, she is waiting for me to decide on pie." _

"_Pie sounds good." _

"_Yes, it does." _

"Samantha, let us go have pie. Lantash says he is hungry and so am I. It seems he is staying dormant, so he will not come forward inadvertently and perhaps give us away."

Sam nodded her acceptance of his comment, as she opened the old screen door and walked into the old farm house. Martouf stepped in behind her. The cat, ecstatic that he had returned, took a flying leap and landed on his shoulder, causing him to step backwards. The lamp fell to the floor and a picture fell from the wall. In the kitchen, they heard Malek yell, as he dropped the ice cream maker on his foot.

Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot. Seeing the smile on his Samantha's face, hearing the laughter in her voice, and seeing the love in her eyes was worth it. Tomorrow would be better…he could feel it in his bones.

The End.


End file.
